Low: A creative punishment might be needed for Mortenson

I have a slightly different perspective on how the legal system should work. Sue me. Most people absurdly think that we should follow a hard set of laws that more or less tells us which crime deserves what punishment. Ok, that works pretty well for the little stuff, but not for the big boys. A better option? Summary judgment by comedians. Instead of some stiff erudite with tired eyes, why not bring in Robin Williams the night after a bender? Bring in Larry David right after a bad experience with elevator etiquette, and let him sit there and listen to some moron tell him why he drove his car through the front window of a liquor store at 3 in the morning. Soon, you'll have DUI offenders forced to watch Howdy Doody for 16 hours a day or do the Macarena on stage on Latin night in gay bars. Just imagine what George Carlin might have been able to accomplish with some of the worst miscreants in the U.S. over the last few decades.

Which brings me to Greg Mortenson, the man accused of running a fraudulent non-profit organization called the Central Asia Institute, a group that mainly helps build and run schools in impoverished villages. Naturally, he also has a best-selling book (Three Cups of Tea),which tells a fantastical tale about getting kidnapped by the Taliban. A tale that accusers are saying is about as accurate as the old testament, or Senator Jon Kyle when his lips are moving. Millions of dollars - including $100,000 from President Obama for his Nobel Peace Prize - have been donated to Mortenson's agency, which has been a bit more than dubious with its record keeping. According to a recent 60 Minutes, Mortenson's agency has "filed only one public IRS return in its 14 years of existence." There also seems to be a very blurry line between money used by the agency for building schools and for Mortenson's personal use. If I tried to pull that shit, the IRS would give me a free public colonoscopy, and I don't exactly have a $1.7M budget for traveling expenses related to book promotions (as reportedly Mortenson has). Thousands of housewife tears have been lost to the inspirational, supposedly true story of the allegedly great man, who once told the world that he was so moved by a little Pakistani girl that he promised her he would personally help build her a school. Now it seems that he might just be another rich guy who made a fortune by standing behind poor people with a smile, as any great man might do to better the world. If the accusations about Mortenson are true, we might want to have Chris Rock's cell number on hand.