Low: Another Yawn-Inducing Apocalypse

In case you are not in the know, the world is going to end this Saturday – most likely at 12:00 a.m., Eastern Standard Time. After giving the dinosaurs 160 million years to dominate the Earth, it appears that God is ready to pull the plug on the species that was “created to rule this Earth” after a couple dozen millennia. So get out that ‘61 bottle of Chateau Cheval Blanc you have been saving. When your boss asks you how your weekend was, tell him/her that you don’t remember because you were too busy jamming booze and high-level barbiturates into your system. Embrace the urge to streak onto the field of a baseball game covered in Saran Wrap and Crisco to do airplanes in the outfield. Now is the time. Why is this happening, you might ask. The answer, apparently, is that the second coming of JC is upon us and the Bible predicted exactly when the day would actually come. This prodigious ability to predict dates is fairly amazing, mainly because the Bible doesn’t even give us an accurate date for Jesus’ first arrival; based on the Bible and archeological findings, most historians believe that Jesus was actually born sometime between 4 B.C. and 6 A.D. And if you think that he was born on December 25^th, you might want to do a little research on your own. But nevermind the gray area over such things, because people all over the country are handing out information that Judgment Day is, without doubt, coming up this Saturday. I’m also a little dubious as to why Jesus would promote love and forgiveness the first time around and then pull the whole “psyche!” routine a couple millennia later, but maybe he just has a better sense of humor than I originally thought.

Forget the absurdity of it all, I’m just disappointed as to how these Judgment Day promoters are spending their final days. They should be handing out puppies to eight-year-old chemo patients wearing knitted sweaters with sad golden retrievers on the front. Maybe they should be playing Chopin to tribes in the Amazon that have never heard classical music, or following around Donald Trump with a megaphone, a backpack full of 5-Hour energies and a never-ending list of reasons why it’s almost entirely his fault. Instead, the leaders of this “revolution” are making their most loyal – or more likely the ones they were able to pay the least –stand on street corners and hand out deliberately misleading information in pamphlet form, all while getting mocked by the endless amounts of passersby. And if these pamphlet passers are still around on Sunday, many of them will believe that they have descended into hell, as the ones worthy of Christ are to be whisked directly into heaven, according to the prophecy. You have to learn sadism that well-constructed. So forget seeing whether or not LeBron is going to win an NBA title. Forget getting to see the next election or the sixth entry in the “Fast and the Furious” franchise, or what Kate and Prince William will name their first born. It’s all over. So if you see any of Jesus’ true followers (you’ll recognize them because they’re the ones holding signs and telling you that you’re going to hell), give them a high five and tell them to party on. As for me, if you see highlights of a short, slightly Scottish dude getting arrested on the field during a Padres game this week, don't bother judging.